please leave a message at the..... bwaaaahahahahaha!

My first official ad for my business will be all over town within a few days. (I'm pretty nervous.) This morning, I decided that it was time to change my outgoing message on my answering machine, from a howdy-do! one to a more businessy one.

First of all, my answering machine is punchy, so I had to get out the manual to re-learn the proper button-pushing sequence, and then I had to stand on a chair, leaning my face over the machine, which is mounted on the wall, because otherwise it sounds like I'm standing across the room and talking into a fan.

So. There I am, perched above the machine, and I'm messing up, every time. And my messages sound like this...

"Thanks for calling The Happy House, sorry I can't take your call.... (long pause) ppppphhhbbbbbbbbbbttttttt! *click*"

"You've reached The Happy House, at 555... um... HAH! *click*"

"Hi! (long pause) pppppppphhhhhbbbbbttttttt! *click*"

And finally I had to get down off the chair and make some delicious pasta salad and try again later. It's ok now. I may do it over yet again, but at least I'm not honking with mirth in the middle of any sentences. Bonus of this, too:


After all the to-do, I was thinking about the implausible amount of fun I've had with phone messages over the years. When my best friend lived with me, we did one of those "when I say blah blah, you say blah! blah blah! BLAH! blah blah! BLAH!" things like cool rappers do at concerts, only not as cool, and creatively using our names, and OF COURSE messing up and laughing hysterically a thousand times, until it stopped being funny and we just wanted to be done, already.

Another time, I was Beulah Witch from Kukla, Fran, and Ollie. I (Beulah)was the secretary for myself (Anna) and informed callers that I wasn't home right now because I had to go to the hairdresser and get an estimate. Some people loved Beulah. Some did not.

And then there was the blinding bolt of inspiration that was delivered one day as I funneled bird seed into gallon jugs in the back room of Wild Birds Unlimited, where I worked (Certified Backyard Birdfeeding Specialist right here!) ten years ago. Perhaps my favorite outgoing message ever:

"Hi, this is Anna, at 555-5555. Please leave your height, weight, hair color, and sign of the zodiac, and I'll call you back as soon as I figure out who you are."

My mother howled every time she called. The first line of all her messages had to do with the extreme funniness of my very serious voice and very goofy request. Most people didn't actually do as they were asked, but once someone DID... and I never called her back! Because I couldn't figure out who she was!