picking up the pieces

I've been spiraling downward, curling inward, losing my way. It's a desolate place I travel to sometimes, and I always tell myself I never want to go there again, but sometimes I just parachute right down into the center of it. And there I am, weary and teary and sitting on my butt in the middle of nowhere.

Things are not peachy right now.

I seem to have ended a relationship that was sweet and wonderful in so many ways. (Please, if you know us, help me to respect his privacy by keeping the lid on names and details.) The friendship won't end, ever I hope. And the romance is far from gone. But I finally had to accept that sometimes love doesn't conquer all. And that sucks.

So, I've been on the verge of tears a lot of the time, feeling like my whole life is dumb because I'm so dumb and everything I do turns out to be a great big neon mistake. Can't fall asleep, can't wake up. Wanting to be alone, to eat things that will ultimately just make me feel worse, to get really unhinged and run far, far away. But as away as I go, I'm still me, and my heart still has to mend itself. (I just had a little image in my head, of my big cartoon heart stitching itself up with a pink silk thread...)

Someone said something to me yesterday that shook my brain a little. Basically, depression.

Oh, who, me? Oh, no, I'm not depressed, no no not me no sir.

But what do I think it is? It's not just this relationship. I was feeling a lot of it before that. I've felt a lot of it at a lot of times. And maybe I'm too stubborn, too much my little virgo nanny goat self, to admit that I'm not all fixed and done. I want to be, but I'm not. Part of what I had to face is that, despite all of the work I have done and despite the fact that I'm much less deflated than I was a few years ago, I still have some big work to do before I can be truly healthy and grounded in a relationship.

So yesterday I was feeling very bad. I cried when people asked how I was. If they didn't ask, I could sort of pretend to function, but as soon as The Question was hanging in the air between us, I was sopping and furrowed and concave. And as soon as I was free from my obligations, I came home and watched TV until my butt was numb.

This morning during a business networking event, people started receiving text messages. Unsettling ones. We had a sniper in town. Our wonderful, magical oasis was under fire. I was immediately queasy, hating the windows all around us. But we finished the meeting and went on our separate ways. I was pissed. I didn't want to suddenly become more paranoid, questioning the safety of every formerly-friendly place around me.

And then something shifted, like magic. I thought of all the people all over the world who walk through their lives every single day in much more danger than I've ever had to face. And I felt lucky.

Then, this afternoon I was gifted with the funds for two visits to my therapist. I love my therapist, and haven't been able to afford her for quite a while. It wasn't much of an issue when things were going along like a nursery rhyme, but this week I really could use some extra care. When this gift was offered (by someone I cried in front of yesterday), I was humbled and grateful and speechless. And that alone created another shift. I moved into the next phase of my day feeling so much lighter.

And. Another gift tonight! At another networking meeting- a very different one- where I connected with wonderful people and opportunities... someone I was wishing I could have a session with gave each of us a certificate for a free session.

Ask, even in a whisper, or between sobs, and you may be given just exactly what you need.