light and shadow

The sweetness that I wrote about recently came quickly and unceremoniously to a halt. All that beauty? A bit smooshed and smudged at the moment. I'm standing knee-deep in sad and mad and confused, trying to keep some healthy perspective. You know how things that you really wanted, things that are shiny and new, can become so quickly mundane? As much as I try not to take my good fortune for granted, the blessings of physical comfort and security can't quite compensate for a bruised heart. It sucks, but it's true.

For some reason, I hesitate to say these things... but I find that telling (and hearing) what is actually true is the best way to go. And today, literally snowed in and stuck with myself, I'm also remembering that the more I can soften towards myself, the softer I feel about everyone and everything else.

open heart

The things that re-opened my heart today: the new baby, who's bravely smiling and cooing his way through his first cold; the beautiful hawk that sat outside my mechanic's shop and stayed long enough to pose for some great photos; and good friends who love me out loud and hold my heart on good days and bad.

all this beauty*

I'm in awe of my own life right now. It's a very sweet, very unfamiliar, very tenuous thing.

In the past two days, I've had two important conversations~ one with my best friend and one with my mama. The big theme right now is that I've been asking, whether silently or out loud, for what I actually need and want, and things have fallen into place. I suddenly have a life that I want, that I feel like I've created on purpose.

And the truth is, it's not sudden at all. It's been in the making for a long, long time.

My life hasn't been especially nice. There are amazing people in it, and I've had some wonderful experiences, but it's been punctuated by truly horrific things. I try not to think about it all at once, partly because it's too much, but also because I don't want to be weak or to seem like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I want my life to be good, and I want to be one of the good parts of other people's lives. I've been so afraid of burdening anyone, that I almost never let anyone too far in to the scary, ugly stuff. I sat alone with all of that for years.

But now...

There's a shift happening, one that's so wonderful and so terrifying, with so much momentum that my fear can't hold it back any longer.

And the question is: how do I let it be real? How do I give myself over to the truth that's right in front of me? The truth, the reality that I have what I've asked for... and that yes, it's ok. I'm worthy of it. How do I let it wash over my heart when I know that it could all fall away just as quickly?

Every time I've stumbled back to myself, something extraordinarily painful has happened and I've been sent spinning into the dark. And so now... it seems to be my challenge, and my honor, to step steadily and joyfully into the center of all this beauty, and to let it be my world for as long as it will...

(Lyrics from The Weepies' song, All This Beauty, keep running through my mind today~ All this beauty; you might have to close your eyes, and slowly open wide...)