Monday, January 12, 2009

all this beauty*


I'm in awe of my own life right now. It's a very sweet, very unfamiliar, very tenuous thing.

In the past two days, I've had two important conversations~ one with my best friend and one with my mama. The big theme right now is that I've been asking, whether silently or out loud, for what I actually need and want, and things have fallen into place. I suddenly have a life that I want, that I feel like I've created on purpose.

And the truth is, it's not sudden at all. It's been in the making for a long, long time.

My life hasn't been especially nice. There are amazing people in it, and I've had some wonderful experiences, but it's been punctuated by truly horrific things. I try not to think about it all at once, partly because it's too much, but also because I don't want to be weak or to seem like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I want my life to be good, and I want to be one of the good parts of other people's lives. I've been so afraid of burdening anyone, that I almost never let anyone too far in to the scary, ugly stuff. I sat alone with all of that for years.

But now...

There's a shift happening, one that's so wonderful and so terrifying, with so much momentum that my fear can't hold it back any longer.

And the question is: how do I let it be real? How do I give myself over to the truth that's right in front of me? The truth, the reality that I have what I've asked for... and that yes, it's ok. I'm worthy of it. How do I let it wash over my heart when I know that it could all fall away just as quickly?

Every time I've stumbled back to myself, something extraordinarily painful has happened and I've been sent spinning into the dark. And so now... it seems to be my challenge, and my honor, to step steadily and joyfully into the center of all this beauty, and to let it be my world for as long as it will...

(Lyrics from The Weepies' song, All This Beauty, keep running through my mind today~ All this beauty; you might have to close your eyes, and slowly open wide...)

5 comments:

heidi said...

All this makes me want to dance wildly with you
And then smother you with hugs and smooches.

Anna said...

Thank you, dear Heidi! You dance wildly in Appalachia, and I'll bounce around my living room and we'll pretend we're together. And then we'll use our Go-Go-Gadget arms and be squeezy!

zenabu said...

hey you! you're an amazing writer and an inspiring woman!

Anna said...

Thank you, darling E! I wasn't sure how coherent this turned out to be, but I needed to say it for whatever reason. What a roller coaster! :)

lily said...

Possibly the most amazing blog that I read all year dresses with sleeves!?!