finding my footing as the year comes to a close

The title sums it up. That's where I am, in a really good way. Things got pretty whirlwindy for a bit, with moving and the election and the new job. All very good stuff, but I sort of got... lazy? Comfortable? Not having to worry about money or whether the neighbors will be keeping me awake all night, etc. makes things a bit softer around the edges, which is lovely, but now I'm backpedaling, trying to find the new balance point...

I'm absolutely in love with the new baby. I've been sick for a week, so I haven't seen him in a while, but he's perfect. I haven't been quite so smitten with a baby other than my brother and my nephew.

Today is my nephew's fourth birthday! That's him below, last year. He's magic. I miss him so much, but it's fun to talk to him on the phone. On Halloween, I sent a sugar skull and when I was talking to my sister on the phone, he hopped on the line to say, "I wanted to ask you: what is the day of the dead?" I explained, he was satisfied, and that was that. What a munchkin.



















I seem to have been adopted by a stray kitty. She comes and goes, but she always shows up again, hungry and thirsty, meowing and honeydoubling, before too long. I've named her Nina von Kugel. Kugel is the German word for ball, and she likes to curl herself up into a ball, like a pillbug.
















Other hopeful things are on the horizon, as well. Now I just have to get totally 100% unsick so that I can go out there and play...

Happy, happy 2009 to all!

a very important day!

Because it's Gareth's birthday!





Let us sing to him.





Happy birthday to yoooooooouuuuuu! Happy birthday tooooooooooooo yooooouuuuu! Happy biiiiirthdaaayyy dear Geeeeeezer! Happy birthday to yooooouuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Hooray! So happy that you exist!

overheard at naptime

The little chickadee had a hard time going to sleep today. She's a little confused about what it means to be a Big Girl... she's two and a half and just finished potty training, and this is what I heard coming from her room when she was supposed to be sleeping:

(Be sure to imagine a very sleepy, whiny voice when you read the following statements.)

"But it's better to pway at naptime. I can't sweep because I'm a teeeeenager and I don't take naps."

it's official

I really live here now! I had people over for dinner and we actually sat at a table while we ate. That wasn't an option in my old apartment, and this change makes me very happy.

We all know that the imminent arrival of company is one of the surest ways to get the homestead in order, and that's what it took for me to finish moving in. I wanted to finish, but it just wasn't too pressing until this weekend, which is half of why I invited people over. Or a third of why.

One third motivation; one third that I CAN now; one third Thank You Dinner for the folks that helped me move. It's a good thing I only had three significant helpers, because we were packed in like sardines. My table isn't quite meant for dining, and two of the chairs had to be wiped down and brought in from the patio. Swanky.

We had odd-shaped, tri-color pasta with the best pesto in the world, yummy salad with herbs and my unmeasured, never-exactly-the-same-as-last-time balsamic vinaigrette, and these tomatoes, sort of. I'm a little bit bad about following recipes sometimes, but I don't know that that was the problem here. They were ok, but they didn't turn out as amazingly as I was expecting them to.

For dessert, we had this fondue, which was so good that I now have a sugar headache. We dipped graham crackers, marshmallows, apples, and bananas into it. By golly, the bananas were the best.

And as you can see, I have been using my crock pot a good bit since I kicked things off last week with that soup. I got the soup recipe from the same blog, and I was right! It totally needed more fish sauce. And I probably should have heeded her advice and added some coconut extract, but I was cheap.

The last thing I made this week was apple butter! Oh fer YUM. I want to eat it with a spoon. Again, the crock pot was used, and the recipe came from the Crock Pot Goddess. I'm learning to listen to her wisdom, and I did indeed use less sugar, and it's still extremely sweet. I used apples from my mama's tree, and I think I still have enough for another batch. You want some? I'm serious. You can have some.

The last news before I konk out is this: I have been offered the new nanny position. I am thrilled. Not thrilled about the reality of what this means for my current family- we'll have a gentle, gradual transition over a two-month period, but it will be sad to leave- but I'm thrilled about having a full-time position, thrilled to know that I can afford my life.

Now I must sleep off all of that chocolateymarshmallowey delight. I'ma have a hangover tomorrow.

open letter

Dear NaBloPoMo,

I quit.

Sincerely, Anna

the baby and the bathwater

I found my framed copy of this photo in an old box tonight. It's one of my favorites, and one that my nephew will be mortified by in about ten years.

boxes of love

One of the many lovely things about moving into a larger place is that I'm unpacking things I haven't seen in almost three years. I've been such a mush today, heartily greeting all kinds of little friends as I unwrap them. Some of the best ever ever ever are these:
Handmade for me by my parents decades ago. The bunny is made up of felted wool patchwork and has pink satin-lined pocket ears and a heart on its butt. See?

This is Nemo. Do you know him? These days children think that Nemo is a clown fish, but really he's this guy right here. He's a kid who has wild adventures in his dreams and falls out of bed every night. True to form, my mama gave him a heart pocket.
The babushka puppet probably had an actual name, but I'm sorry to say that I didn't appreciate her then as much as I do now, and I don't remember what she's really called.

My papa (I call my dad 'Papa') made the little bear. It's modeled from a Steiff bear, I'm sure, but it has a metal rod inside that lets you control the head through the tail. It's the YesNoBear, but we always just called it the NoBear, because it's easier to make it shake its head than nod. We'd ask it questions and have very brief conversations together.

The next Extra Super Love-full item is this:
My little brother (who was born when I was 17 and my mom was 46) dictated this message for the tag on his Christmas gift to me several years ago. Inside the box was a little raku pinch pot that he made at school, along with one of his beloved D&D minis.

Can you imagine the swooning when I found this today? Thank you for all your loving joy towards me...?! It's too much! He is too much! (He's 15 now, and the overwhelming LOVE just kills me every time I see him. Cutest boy in town, and still the sweetest.)

And here are some little fellows who are just so charming that I was forced to include them. After those years spent in a box, they deserve a little public adoration.
I wonder what I'll find tomorrow...

thwarted!

I wrote a very lovey post. It took me a while to get the pictures and text lined up correctly. And now instead of Warm and Fuzzy I am feeling Very Unloving towards blogger. It is being excruciatingly dumb.

ETA: only moments later... I was magically able to post the post!

So the moral of the story, boys and girls, is that you will get what you want if you pout and complain! Awesome!

photo log

Wednesday morning, everything glowed. I was glowing, the sun was glowing, the trees were glowing. The whole world was lighter and brighter.





We celebrated by making pumpkin muffins.While the muffins cooled, the girls gave me a fabulous hair do.
And then we made clothespin dolls.
Today was nice, too. I used my crockpot for the first time.
And then I went to the first craft night of the season at my lovely friend Martha's house. I have missed her So Very Much. Look at what she's doing to her old corduroy couch:Isn't it fantastic? She's had this couch for ever, and decided that the best thing to do was to love it up with patchwork. I sat on it. And I'd show you what I was working on while I sat there, but I can't. Because it's a gift for a person who looks at this blog. I'll show you once it's been gifted and we can oooh and aaahhhhhh.

I came home and my apartment (the new one that I'm starting to fall in love with) smelled a little bit good. Not as good as I'd dreamed, but sort of yummy and Thai. Sadly, the much-anticipated soup was rather bland. Needs more fish sauce probably.

And now I'm really going to bed!

(Hey, does this count as my post for day seven? Even though it's really not? Surely it could...)

under the wire

Oh, time. You elusive and slippery teaser, you. It's going on midnight and I'm almost late for NaBloPoMo day six... I keep trying to think of interesting or amusing or inspiring things to post, but I'm distracted. Life is distracting. And I'm sort of flighty, so there's that, too. Flighty in an endearing creative kind of way, but still.

So, I'm posting this and then I'll be back with photos later. (Tomorrow, technically, if you want to get technical about it.) Unless I decide to go to bed.

thankful

I am so happy. So so so so so so happy.

And I live in a blue state now. Imagine that. This is surreal and so so good.

(But I still have to go to work, so here I go.)

hopeful

piggyback ride

Ooooh, look at me. I am deviant a little bit.

It just occurred to me this evening that maybe I could pick up a wireless signal in my new apartment. And it turns out that YES.

I promise to post something interesting this month, but heck if my brain isn't full of moving and elections at the moment.

Tomorrow is a BIG DAY for the world. I'll be in line early.

Hmmmm, let's see... let me find a nice picture for you to look at...

Ah, here we go, nice and autumnal~ apples from my mama's tree. The most delicious apples ever.

Dia de los Muertos

Today is one of my favorite days. Day of the Dead. I love that it's becoming more known in our culture, and I love the art and rituals that go along with it.

That skull up there is one I made a few years back~ I wish I still had it. I made some this year, but then I got kind of sidetracked...

Anyhow, I'm all crunchy from all the packing and moving, and sitting on the floor hunched over the laptop isn't helping. And of course, since I said I was doing NaBloPoMo, I'm going to be without internet access for a few days. Of course!

Oh well.

I'm too zonked to worry about it.

thus begins NaBloPoMo

And the move is done! Over the past two days, I had four fabulous helpers at random times, and an hour of professional movers this morning. They were fantastic, and I called the owner today to tell him his guys were awesome. Too often, we only speak up when we're not satisfied with the quality of service, so I think it's really important to make a point of letting folks know when we're happy.

Tonight, I hope to take it easy and go to bed early. I'm beat. And then I'll spend the next two days unpacking and setting up the new place. Hooray. Big, big sigh of relief...

My interview went really well yesterday morning, so I'm feeling hopeful on that front, too.

More tomorrow, thanks to NaBloPoMo... Keep your dials tuned to WAPV, y'all!

it's yer birfday, heidi marie!

The birthbug of October graciously agreed to help me wish you a happy birthday. Inny cute? So festive and Halloweeny! I hope you're having a lovely day, and I wish you were here so that we could have a floor picnic to celebrate. Love, love, love~

blargh

Excuse me, but moving is very overwhelming.

happenings are happening

I walked into the manager's office and said, "I'd like to move!" I told her my ideal situation... and the maintenance folks just happened to be working on just such a place. It had just become available, and I move in next weekend. Almost twice as much space, and quiet... No shared bedroom walls!

I knocked on the noisy neighbor's door and said, "I have good news!" Now we don't shoot daggers at each other any more.

My little apartment was perfect when I moved in~ tiny and cozy, with nice, quiet neighbors. But I'm So Very Ready to move now. I'm looking forward to not feeling cramped, and to sleeping soundly again. I'll have room to have people over! I used to have great parties (great, not crazy) and I've missed being able to do that.

I have an interview the morning that I start moving, and two other applications are awaiting responses...

New apartment, new job (enough money!), and then- please, oh please- new government! These are good developments.

Now, a few things have been back-seated because I'm suddenly moving, but it's ok. My internet also konked out the day I decided to move, so that's annoying. I wanted to do a bunch of Etsy stuff, but it'll just happen more slowly. Actually, here I go to post a few things right now~

changing with the season

I think this is the fourth time I've changed the layout of this blog. I think that it helps me to shift gears outwardly... I keep trying different ways of pulling myself back, continuing to write without expectation.

(NaBloPoMo is starting again soon, and I'm planning to give it another whirl. I have a page in one of my notebooks with a long list of blog post ideas that have somehow never made it onto the virtual page.)

As we're transitioning into fall (lovely, glorious fall!) I'm actively seeking a transition in my work life and home life. I applied for a job a few weeks ago, and found myself more than a little bit disappointed when I wasn't offered the position. It seemed so perfect.

And it also made me realize that what I'm really craving right now is stability. Clarity. Security. I want to know that I'll be able to pay my bills every month. I want to know what to expect a little more than I do right now. I've decided not to renew my NAPO (National Association of Professional Organizers) membership, and I'm looking for full-time work. One job. The younger of the two girls I take care of will start preschool next August, which suddenly seems extremely soon, since at that point I'll no longer have a job. And as much as I love working as a post-partum doula, I just can't rely on it. I haven't had a doula client in two months.

So, I'm keeping my eyes and ears open, applying for things... I'm also going to be adding more to my etsy shop now that the summer art fairs are done. I have tons of cards and 8x10 prints and jewelry that need homes, and will be making more goodies all the time.

The other change I'm really ready for is a change in my living situation. This little apartment was perfect when I moved in just over two years ago. I loved the smallness, but now it feels cramped every single day. And I had quiet, friendly neighbors, and that's no longer the case, either. Now I wonder as I fall asleep, just how long I'll get to snooze before I'm rudely woken up. I need a little more space and a little more peace...

Now I'm going to work on etsy stuff! Lots of photos to take and edit for the listings. Happy trails to me! And to you. :)

don't leave home without it

A couple of weeks ago, I was cramming myself into my car, carrying too much stuff. One of the stuffs was a coffee cup, a coffee cup which is not my usual green travel mug with the snap-shut lid... which led to my forgetting that one of the many things in my arms contained hot, spillable liquid... which led to actual spilling of hot liquid. All over me and my car and my bag.

Now don't worry about my arm skin! It's fine. The real tragedy is the bag. Covered in coffee, and they won't dry clean it, and it was the only bag that I can nicely fit all of my essentials into. I had a system, and it was built around the central and most essential feature: my camera. I can't go anywhere without my camera.

Today I had breakfast with my Papa, who is in town for a visit, and while I did bring my camera, I left it in the car. It's awkward to be carrying two bags, and I thought that I probably wouldn't need to take any pictures in the cafe. After all, I had my camera with me all day yesterday at the Farmer's Market art fair and didn't use it. I decided to push my boundaries and experiment with not having it readily available.

Of course, then my ginger peach tea dripped down into the saucer and made a Moomin. So I had to go back out to the car to get the camera and document the cuteness. Voila!

P.S. Best thing ever.

P.P.S. What can't *you* leave home without?

it's all about perspective

I'm a tired girl. I wear myself out! And sometimes, like the past two days and nights, my darling little monster charges wear me out. Scenes like the one to your left are the best good parts of my job. And so I'm trying to focus on those.

Yesterday, I had the best little snippet of a conversation with the 2 1/2 year old. It went like this:

"When I gwo up to be a person? When I be a mom? What will my mom and dad be?"

"Well, they'll still be your mom and dad, but they'll also be your kids' grandma and grandpa."

"... and I'll wear tap shoes!"

amazing

Do watch this~

(And if you know how I can embed it here directly, will you tell me?)

I have been tagged!

Ok. It's funny about tagging. I want it, because I like the love, and then I'm all, OhCrapWhoCanITagNow? But that's ok, because what the heck. The wonderful and endearing Esme has bestowed upon me the gift of Solicited Sharing of Random Personal Information.

Officially:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post these six rules on your blog.
3. Write 6 random things about yourself.
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

Two down.

So now for the six random things.

1. I'm a huge winger of things. Haven't made sushi since that one time in 1997? Wing it! Even if it falls apart, it has SEAWEED in it! Haven't been in the back of a canoe since Challenger's Day Camp, circa 1985? Just tell your paddling partner that you're an excellent steerer, and then figure it out in the middle of the lake! What? You're spinning the canoe in circles? No worries! You'll get to shore eventually! Winging things is where it's at.

2. I'm squeamish. (I have scars to prove it. Scars from passing out.) And if I wasn't, I'd probably have a job that paid the bills. I might be a pediatrician or an obstetrician or something. Once in a while, some rather Neanderthal part of my brain gets fired up and I have a moment of being able to do something really gross and cool, like gutting a fish. But usually I'm more likely to be found talking to plants, or telling small children to please not smoosh the bugs.

3. My first diary was navy blue, with a silver unicorn embossed on the front cover. I bought it when I was eight*. The first entry says this: Dear Diary, I bought you because I love unacorns! Also because I think it will be neat to have a diary of my own! Love Anna I had crossed out the a in unacorns and fixed the spelling error. And the exclamation point had a little heart instead of a dot. At some point, I decided that my diary should have a name, which I thought would make it seem like I was writing letters to a friend. I named her Laramie. Lare for short. I got the name from Michael White's song, Moonrise on the Prairie. I could probably still sing it by heart. Am I already at six random things yet? Probably, but you sill get (at least!) three more. Lucky day!

4. *Every time I think of something that happened when I was a kid, I think that it happened when I was eight. Of course, some things really did happen that particular year, but it's actually a Mathematical Psychology thing. I lived in the Campbell House on Kirkwood for seven years when I was growing up. And eight is the average of the ages that I was during that time.

5. I often like the ideas of things much more than the reality of them.

6. I'm a small amount OCD. Sometimes it serves me well. (Some people pay me to be OCD.) And sometimes it's really annoying. (To me and to the people whose sugar dish I keep moving back to the edge of where the counter meets the wall. Or whose stuff I Must Label, even though they already know that those are mustard seeds and they are not going to forget that those are mustard seeds.)


There you have it!

And now for the hard part: Tagging Others. How about, because I like them:

Keely
Jennifer
Alexandra
Sara
Heidi
Beth

Ladies, you can play along or not. I'm just being a sheep. Feel no pressure! (But it's sort of fun. I like sheep.)

Happy weekend, my dears!

spaghetti painting!

I don't remember where I saw this idea, but for literally years, I've wanted to try spaghetti painting. Vats of color, a big old wall, and blobs of cooked noodles. It's a very Patch Adams kind of endeavor. (That can wait for another post, though.)

So. My boyfriend bought an old house in May, and every room will eventually be redone. The trim is being pried from windows and doorways, walls knocked out... It's very cool. And since I knew that the wall in the "living room" would no longer exist in a couple of months, I presented this idea, with very little actual hope of being allowed to fling paint and pasta all over the place.

Sometimes, though! Sometimes we CAN have our way.

He didn't seem surprised, even, and the plans were instantly in the works. The best part is that when his friends delivered a couch last week, he said, "Well, I guess we'll need to cover the couch with something when we paint." I was puzzled, and explained that I was only going to be flinging things at two walls. He thought that I was going to be flinging things all over the entire room. And he was going to let me!

Ok. So, up there is the wall Before. With a plastic tablecloth to somewhat protect the floor. (Which is also going to be ripped up.)

And then:














Lots of cheap paint, old spinach containers, and a bucket full of spaghetti.

And then the craziness!














My stepmom was the only one who was quite as giddy as me about the whole thing.















But my dad was the funniest thing I'd ever seen.



















We found out that small amounts of spaghetti and large amounts of paint, tossed gently rather than flung maniacally, create the most effective, um, effect.

And then you should really get your hands and feet into it.

I highly recommend that you plan such an afternoon yourself.

do try this at home

I've been playing around today, finding endless inspiration online, and had to share one particular tidbit:

I wandered over to this blog (lovely writing and images) from this blog (an 'old' favorite) and discovered this (groovy photo editing tool)! I used it to make some of my photos even cooler.

Here are some of the images I altered:


























































The site is written mostly in an Asian font, so it's beautiful, but unreadable. You just select an image from your files, and then click on the button under the image link bar... and in a few seconds (longer depending on file size) you'll have a very different photo that you can copy into your desktop folder. Woo! Go forth and play!

handle with care

Last night I went to see my friend Nell's improv show~ if you live in Bloomington, you should really treat yourself next weekend. She's amazing and honest and wild and rare.

I've known Nell since I was a little girl~ she and my mom were friends for years, and one of the YouTube clips linked on her site is an improv piece about my brother's birth.

(In related news, my brother graduated from Harmony middle school yesterday~ he's so extremely awesome. His graduation project centered around family recipes and he created a cookbook. It's perfect and funny. More about that soon.)

So, last night's performance was wonderful. If I had lots of money, I'd go to every one of her shows, because they're all different and unpredictable. Last night's theme was basically sex. Good theme. And because sex isn't really just about sex, there were all kinds of layers within the piece...

At one point, she was talking about her wedding day, about going to a fancy salon to have her hair done. The stylist was edgy and rough with her and after she'd not-very-gently washed her hair, Nell handed her a twenty and walked out. In the piece, she said, "I can't be handled on my wedding day." And a few minutes later~ "I cannot be handled this LIFE!"

And of everything that touched me or made me laugh or catch my breath, THAT was the thing that stayed with me the most last night.

I cannot be handled this life.

I've been feeling handled, handled poorly and carelessly- and I haven't known what to do with it. I have to wonder what it is about me that tells certain people that they can treat me that way, but I need to find a way to turn it around, to say wait a minute... It's not OK to push me around or talk to me like I'm stupid.

How do I make this clear without stepping over the same boundaries?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other day at work, I propped the front door open.

The air was so clear and I wanted a cross-breeze whooshing through the house, so I opened the door wide. Miss K, two-years-old, was upstairs sleeping. Miss Z was at school, last day before summer. And I was in the kitchen, cleaning up old messes and making new ones~ and I heard a sound. A little tappity-bump.

Two little house finches had flown in together and were trying to convince the dining room window to let them out. I said quiet little somethings and walked very slowly toward them, frantic wings and eyes. One doubled back and flew away, right back out the front door. But the other stayed pressed to the glass pane, wing outstretched, eye on me. And then I was reaching out, scooping up her little feathered body, talking softly, and she let me.

I held her and walked slowly to the door, talking the whole time~ she didn't try to get away. She looked at me with her head cocked, but she was still. I could feel her little heart beating so fast against my palm. And then I let her go, and closed the door.

That's how I want to be handled, too. And I know that the world won't always cooperate, but I can keep those moments close to heart and try to be more clear, kindly so, about what I'll accept...

watermelon!

Hopefully this will work...

Clicky click!

I love it. (It reminds me of one of my favorite Poi Dog Pondering songs, aptly named... The Watermelon Song.)

Enjoy!

angel

I started going to the local UU about four years ago. My main distraction in life was, as usual, that I wanted to meet someone, but I decided that maybe what I really needed was something much bigger. So I decided to go to church. The least churchy church I could find.

For the longest time, I'd cry during every service. Something always got me right where it needed to, and I loved going and sitting alone and crying. And after a while, the crying pretty much stopped. It started to feel too political in there, and I'd find myself looking out the big, circular window in the front of the room, watching clouds and birds and planes pass by.

Every few weeks, the calendar and newsletter arrive in my mailbox, and I look to see what's scheduled, who's speaking, etc. Sometimes I'm intrigued and I make a point of showing up~ like this morning. Today the teenagers did the service. I couldn't miss that. And I'm glad I didn't.

They were so freaking cool and wise and funny and thoughtful and confident and humble and questioning and awesome. One of them, wearing a black hoodie and half-hiding behind the swoop of his bangs, led us in a meditation from Thich Nhat Hanh. As we started, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes...

And there was an angel there, just hanging out behind my eyelids.

You know how you see the negative silhouettes of things when you close your eyes? It was like that, but it was totally an angel. When I opened my eyes afterward, I tried to figure out what would have made that impression on my eyeballs, but the only part I could figure out was the head. But I don't even care! I don't want it to make perfect sense. I just want to hold that image for a while~

so many weeks

It's been more than two months since I posted! Yikes, I think. Every time I'm online, I'm in a hurry, or at work and technically not allowed to do anything non-work-related. Yep, I'm now another person's part-time employee. And still 20 hours of nannying, and lots of 2-hour slots of time are filled in with organizing and doula clients, and then I do my extracurriculars whenever I can squeeze them in. It's kind of crazy~ I go for weeks without grocery shopping...

Today I'm so exhausted and over-extended that I went to the store without my shopping list. Before that, I went to the laundromat without my laundry soap. And while I was there, my back went into spasm. And now I'm supposed to be preparing the presentation that I have to give on Tuesday morning, but that's the last thing I want to think about! I want to be on vacation.

Yesterday was a fun thing, actually. I had a table at the Luna Expo~ promoting my organizing and doula stuff, and selling my cards and jewelry. People bought stuff! And I found out this week that I got a spot at the Fair of the Arts that happens once a month in conjunction with the Farmer's Market. I'm sharing the space with a friend, and we'll be there May 10th, August 9th, and October 11th. I know that most of you don't live around here, but if you do, swing by and say howdy!

A funny thing from the grocery store today~
I was walking past the land of ice cream and I thought that the label on one of the containers said Double Chin. It actually said Double Churn, but HA. Funny funny.

Well, I suppose it's time I went and did responsible things some more. Happy whatever, everybodies!

hello, strangers

Life is other-worldly without the constant Internet service. I feel like I've lost everyone in my former cyber-world, but I might be adjusting. Maybe...

The past couple of weeks have been full of adjusting, really. As it turns out, I have Noisy New Nocturnal Neighbors. I had to rearrange my bedroom and bring out the white noise machine. After being woken up in the middle of the night for two weeks, I'm finally sleeping again. I like sleeping.

People have been amazing me with their inconsiderateness lately. Somehow I've been inundated all at once with inconsiderate people. It baffles.

And then there's Jazzercise. Oh! How silly I feel! And it's also fun. And I think my heart is happy. Part of the program involves keeping a food journal. It's weird. When I add everything up at the end of the day, I tend to find that I'm not eating enough. Cool, but again, weird.

I'm feeling so rushed that I don't even know what to tell you about. I have to leave in a few minutes to pick up my little chickadee and take her home for her nap. But how about this~ this poem keeps coming up, one of my favorites. I'll leave you with its sweetness.

The Dream Keeper

by Langston Hughes

Bring me all of your dreams, you dreamers

Bring me all of your heart-melodies

That I may wrap them in a blue cloud-cloth

Away from the too-rough fingers of the world.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

P.S. Pictured above is my pal Toothy. He's bossy and loud and I LOVE him.

in chapters

Chapter 1: Disconnected

My neighbor moved out a few days ago. I wanted her not to~ I like knowing someone good is right next door. And then the aftershock... I finally know where I was getting my free wireless service. Oh, woe, I have it no mo.

At first I freaked out and kind of laughed maniacally for a few minutes. Then I tried to convince myself that it would be a blessing in disguise. Then I thought I just wouldn't be able to live. If I had a desk job and access at work during the day, I'd be fine. But this is very jarring.

So, until I discover whether my new neighbor will be unknowingly hooking me up, I'm schlepping my laptop to wireless hot-spots when I can. And it's not much. Until further notice, I'm only around sporadically, and for short periods of time. I'm guessing that I won't be commenting much, but I'll be reading y'all every chance I get.

At the moment, I'm freezing my stems off, sitting right by the door at the Bakehouse...

Chapter 2: Happy New Year!

New Year's Eve was really fun. I made the fantactickest salad! And one of my dinner cronies made very delicious and drinkable pomegranate martinis. Dinner and games and silliness and burning things. Since the majority of our small group had no one to kiss at the fateful midnight hour, we instead went outside and burned pieces of paper on which we'd written the things we'd like to be without in the year ahead.

I wore my awesome and Seussical outfit pictured in the last post~ much better in reality for a party than for embarrassing my teenage brother. Which leads me to...

Chapter 3: The Girlfriend

I did indeed meet my little brother's girlfriend. This is big, people! He's only 14. This is his first love. I remember my first love, and I remember how much it felt like the total center of the universe, like no one else could have ever felt like I did, no one could possibly understand.

I wore normal clothing and behaved relatively well. She's adorable. They are adorable. I want to make them matching hats.

Speaking of which...

Chapter 4: Obsessed

I had this gift card. It looked like a credit card. I could have used it anywhere. Like maybe to buy groceries. But I went to the craft store. And now my gift card has been obliterated, and I have a new obsession.

Dunt-da-dah! Meet the Knifty Knitter, y'all!

I may finally use up all the yarn I've had stashed away forever. All I pretty much want to do is use these silly things and make scarves and hats for yet-unknown recipients. I have another project I'm supposed to be working on, but I'm so intimidated by it. The Knifty Knitter is anything but intimidating. It makes me feel so very competent.

Chapter 5: I Resolve

It is, after all, a new year. And while I'm more a fan of the New Day or New Moment Resolution, I do have some intentions. The really great and scary and exciting thing is that I have other people intending with me.

You know how we're frighteningly overrun with reality shows? And how there's that one called The Biggest Loser. I kind of hate it all. But there's something similar happening here~ some health/exercise/life coaching folks are working with a group of folks, offering free classes and coaching and stuff. I applied and didn't get officially chosen, but they decided to expand their plans and I'm part of the second group they're going to work with. This is truly the most wonderful and terrifying thing.

Basically, I'll go to Jazzercise (cease to snicker, please!) and meet with a weight loss coach (someone I've known for most of my life and have wanted to see, but can't afford) and there's support and accountability, which are key. Six free months, and gifts at the end. I am on my way, folks.

My biggest hope is that this will help me to create some rhythm in my life and to live more intentionally. I've been so blanketed by fear for so many years, and it gets in my way all the time, in every area of my life...

Chapter 6: The Yessing and The K(no)wing

In church this past Sunday, we did cool things. The reverend (Bill Breeden!) read something from Wendell Berry, the gist of which was to think about what you're saying yes to. He talked a little bit about it, then turned the mic over to the rest of us~ people stood up and shared what they want to say yes to in the new year. Then we wrote down things we want to say no to~ we impaled the pieces of paper on long nails stuck into cross-sections of fallen logs. After the service, we went outside and burned the papers and they curled as they burned, creating ashen roses.

(That was the inspiration for the burning ritual we did at midnight as '07 became '08.)

I think it's a great and simple way to consider the little decisions we so often make without much thought. I've been thinking a lot about my yesses and nos this week. I even threw away a pair of holey underwear. No to falling apart clothes, see?

What do you want to say yes and no to?

Chapter 7: Again I Disappear

I've been sitting here freezing and taking up space for quite a while now. I'll be back as soon as I can, and I'll tell you about purses full of muffins and nipples that are not and photo cards that are.

Love and light to all~

now for the slowing down...

Finally home! I love being home. But I can't go to bed~ too much buzzing around in my head...

This tends to be the situation when I get home from just about anywhere in the evening: it takes me an inordinate amount of time to settle in and wind down before I can put myself to bed. It doesn't matter that I'm exhausted or that I have a full day of work tomorrow or any of that. I just get all zoomy and wired and have to ride it out.

It's been an interesting day. That's for sure. Yesterday was great, Christmas was great. Today was sometimes good...ish... in a kind of a way. Sometimes kind of harder than I would have liked. Such is life, eh? Pretty great and pretty hard, at random intervals, without warning, woohoo!

All in all, I'm a lucky girl. I try my darndest to remember that.

In other news:

My brother would not love me to say this to the Internets, but he has a girlfriend, and I get to meet her next week. I'm looking forward to it, but I don't think he trusts me not to embarrass him.

I told him I was going to show up like this:

His response was to uninvite me. But I thought I looked pretty awesome. My up-do and my giant green earrings that you can't see in the picture make the ensemble truly and fabulously complete.

Ok, now I'm going to try to unwind the rest of the way and get a few winks before the fast-approaching rising of the sun...

merry christmas

Happy everything to everyone!

I'm off to the magical Christmas Eve service at the UU~ I've been looking forward to it for a couple of weeks already. :)

Wishing you all rest and love and communion and joy~

return of the balloon head

Two whole weeks with that whiny old post sitting at the top of the page. Sorry for that.

My trip to Colorado, mercifully, went by quickly. Not too quickly, though, for me to contract a wholloping sinus infection. I was so glad to be home, and have slept copiously over the past three days. Really, I could go to bed some more right now.

I have to say that Colorado was stunning. Such an odd thing to spend a positively mind-numbing week in such beautiful surroundings. Flying over the Colorado Rockies, I was amazed to find myself breathless, not just because of the gorgeousness, but also because of the newness. This country is so huge. There's so much to see...

I don't regret going on the trip, but it's not something I'd volunteer to do again. Unless there were things to do with a toddler, anyhow. An indoor playground or pool would have been much appreciated. As it was, there were three outdoor pools, two feet of snow, and lots of running up and down corridors and riding up and down elevators...

The most beautiful day was luckily the same day that I got a little break to go out and take pictures, some of which are posted on my Flickr page. And a very serendipitous thing happened during the birthday party we had for Z. She'll be five on Monday, but there was a party there in Snowmass, since everyone was together. We had the upstairs room of a little restaurant mostly to ourselves, save for one father and daughter at a table behind us. As it turned out the girl will be turning 11 on the same day that Z turns five~ magic! She and her father stayed for cake and ice cream and it made the whole night better for everyone.

Aside from trying to get well, I'm trying to get ready for Christmas, which seems sooner than possible. Today I decided that I'm going to skip my usual sending of photo-illustrated Christmas letters. I'm not sure what I'd say about this year, anyhow. Goodness.

I really enjoyed Jennifer's post about getting ready for Christmas, and I'm trying to ride that same wave...

I hope you're all well~ more soon.

the end

Good riddance, NaBloPoMo! I have failed you. You asked too much of me. Fie.

I think I also expected too much in return. And I think that expectations are tricky things~ sometimes they're just necessary, and other times they screw things up. I wanted to be all wondrous, posting mesmerizing entries every day and making connections with more folks in the blogging world. I thought for sure that Pogo would inspire love, and even his fuzzy little snout failed to do any such thing.

I feel lonely here at the moment. I've read other bloggers' posts about this topic, and am only mustering the chutzpah to be honest about it because others have been honest before me. But, anyhow, yes, I'm feeling needy and neglected, which probably calls for a bit of deeper delving...

Other than that, I met with a new client today and felt very good about that. I've actually met about five people today who I'd like to know better. I imagine that there's some unwritten rule about not socializing with clients until after the project is finished, but it's nice to meet new people in this town where I sometimes feel like I already know everyone. Truthfully, I have a richer, fuller social circle than I ever have before, and it's sometimes challenging to keep up with the lovely friends I already have, but there are just so many magical folks around... I met some others at a birthday dinner tonight, and we're going to get together so I can teach them to knit and crochet and have a cozy little yarn party in my tiny little nest.

Another friend has started to have weekly craft nights at her house, and I went last night with a project that needed to be finished up and a project that needed a jump-start. Success! One finished, one started, and the people there were wonderful, too.

I also got mah hair did today. By a new person, and I really like her and I really like what she did to my hairs. After leaving the salon, I took my cute self shopping for Christmas gifts. I'm buying less this year, but I really love giving gifts, so it's not something I want to do less of, it's just necessary because of my current financial state. I love making gifts, too, but that still requires supplies, and TIME, and I leave for Colorado in less than a week. And then it'll be family visits and Christmas and New Year almost all at once! Oh, 2007, where hast thou gone?

meet pogo

When I was growing up, we had some unconventional pets in our house. We had rodents: mice, gerbils, briefly a guinea pig. My sister's little gray mouse was named Fuzzy, and he was in the circus. We all were~ I was a trampoline and trapeze diva, my sister was a clown, and Fuzzy was her sidekick. He walked a tightrope and dazzled the masses without fail. It's true life! Before the High Flyers became serious, famous performers~ our very own Cirque du Soleil~ they put on a very home-grown show in the ringleader's back yard, and we were stars.

We had a juvenile delinquent crow named Binky for about two days~ he was messy and loud and fond of mulberries. He had to go elsewhere. We had a squirrel named Hickory~ our dog, Zipper, found baby Hickory in the woods on campus after a storm, and when my dad went to investigate, a teensy lost critter ran right up the leg of his corduroy pants. Hickory let all of us hold him when he was small, but pretty soon my dad was the only one who could handle him. He had his own little room, with branches and things, and my dad would hide food for him to forage. We thought he had epilepsy, but it turned out to be a case of Too Many Sunflower Seeds.

We had parakeets and newts and rabbits and toads. But mostly we had Pogo. Lucky Pogo Possum Guy. Someone found him in the road, a tiny little bean of a thing, separated from his marsupial mama~ she knew that we had fostered Hickory, so she brought us the wee lonely possum. He was my favorite. Unlike Hickory, he never unfriended me. He would fall asleep cupped in my hands, with his nose tucked in. He smelled like dog paws, which smell like corn chips. And he had those fabulous animal instincts that told him to act scary if need be~ I'd reach into his nest to scoop him up and he'd turn around and make his most frightening open-mouthed possum face... until he smelled that I was me, his friend, and then he would waddle up my arm, sit on my shoulder, and snuffle his nose in my ear.

I was so sad when we had to let him go. We had to let a real rehabber teach him about the great outdoors before he got too big, but I wanted to keep him forever. He was the Opossum O'Love and I'm glad my hippie parents let him stay with us for a while~

getting bettah

Thanksgiving was great~ the trip was actually better than any of us expected, despite the wind and rain and squeaky windshield wipers and people being sick and swapping lots of little airborne buggaboos.

I hope everyone had fun like me! I got to act like a goober with my sister and her sister-in-law (who is a good friend of mine) and spend time with my astoundingly awesome almost-three-year-old nephew and eat good food and swim in the hotel pool and sit in the really powerful hot tub and then jump back into the pool, which made us more understanding of the crazy Polar Bear Club folks. It feels really, really good.

And I'm supposed to be asleep now so that I can get up at 5:30 in the morning and also because I'm still not quite unsick, so I'll just give you this assignment and get ready for bed. (Do you notice a pattern? Of me not being in bed on time?) Ok, in the spirit of flu season and Getting Enough Vitamin C, I assign you to make and drink this very perfect stuff:

Lemon, Ginger, and Honey!

Boil about an inch of fresh ginger root in maybe two cups of water for probably five minutes or something. (This is not science.) Squeeze a lemon. Mix the lemon juice with the ginger water in your favorite giant mug. Now empty the contents of your honey bear into the mug. Breathe it and sip it until it reaches the perfect guzzling temperature and then guzzle. So, so good!

the 19th...

Last night I forgot to post. I'm still sick, coughing like a smoker, with the gravelly bedroom voice and all. Tomorrow we head to Minnesota for Thanksgiving. It's not likely that I'll be able to post until I'm back~ so much for NaBloPoMo. I don't really mind, though. As with most things that I enjoy, as soon as it became an obligation, it wasn't so fun anymore. I've been wondering how my NaNoWriMo friends are doing... and now I almost think that would be a better project. Not so public. More room for sounding really dull.

I'm sort of ok, really. Hormonal and ill and stressed out, but ok. Tuning in to the light and the shadow, trying to allow more gently for the latter to have its place. S'pose I'll share this little Langston Hughes poem and go to bed~

Gather out of star-dust

Earth-dust,

Cloud-dust,

Storm-dust,

And splinters of hail,

One handful of dream-dust

Not for sale.

day seventeen

Down to the wire almost, and I got nothin'. But thanks to Miss Heidi, here's something fun for you to play with. Now, play!

instant gratification!

I did it! I am now a juicer user! Look at the color of this stuff. That is all.

to float away

I'm having a bout of the Vagabond Blues, the Getmeouttaheres, Whiny Whiner Syndrome. I want to run away from everything, or maybe to be rescued. Yikes. I don't like it. But it's a pretty frequent feeling for me, nothing unusual, sadly, at all.

I have a recording of a speech that Jack Canfield gave last year. (He may be best known as the Chicken Soup for the Soul guy, but he's involved in all kinds of other stuff, including The Secret.) Anyhow, I think the speech is really great, and different things come back to me from time to time. Lately, it's the part where he talks about joy. I don't remember exactly what he said (the CD is currently on loan to a friend) but it's basically the idea that you can gauge the rightness of where you are by the level of joy in your life. If the joy is missing, something is out of line.

I'm mostly not feeling the joy. And I feel like I don't have time to go looking for it, whatever that would entail. And that's because I'm so scared about money. And that's so crappy!

I don't want to sound like a hypocrite or a split-personality or whatever~ with my happy "get to" philosophy right next to my hand-wringing, money-stumped, shakin'-in-my-boots joylessness. These are both very real parts of my humanness, the light and the shadow, and I'm just muddling along and trying to shift the balance and find the best answers for me.

In other news, not unrelated, I have made it to baby-step four with my juicer. I've owned the thing for two or three years, but hadn't even taken it out of the box until today. A long (LONG) time ago, I opened the box and set the accompanying audio tape by the stereo and read part of the recipe booklet. Last month, I pulled the box out from under the sink, listened to the tape and looked at the recipe booklet again and read part of the instruction manual. The box has been sitting out in the open since then, so that I see it every day. And today, today I took it OUT OF THE BOX and washed the washable parts and learned how it goes together and comes apart.

I have carrots, an apple, and some ginger root. I'm going to juice them. Right now! Maybe it will get the joy beans jumpin'...